It's a tough move to get wrong, and one we women wish we saw more frequently. The pleasure is in the practice — like making a perfect cast, though in this case it isn't the line that will get you anywhere. It's the lure.
Have the bartender — always the bartender — deliver another of whatever it is she's already drinking. If it's the bottom-of-the-barrel kind, upgrade. Nod your head as she takes it. Smile a little. Do not grin. Let her get used to the idea of being appreciated by a stranger before you come any closer. You are, in effect, taking your hat off to whatever it is about her you find so captivating — something you wouldn't be afraid to share with her. The way she lets one shoe dangle from a toe as she crosses her legs on the bar stool or the deftness with which she twirls the little red straw.
No matter what kind of girl she is, she'll find your gift flattering for the simple reason that she likes the door opened for her — though she'd like to have some choice in whether or not she's approached any further. Now that she sees you at the other end of the bar, she can't help liking the first impression.
You? You wait. You fish the big river with only the smallest glimmer of expectation. You step into the current with a kind of caution. Maybe you catch the fish and let it go. Not because you've had your way with it, but because you respect the grace and dignity with which it cuts a path through the stream.
My week of picking up womenBy Matt Schneiderman For one week, I was on a mission to determine where the best venues to meet women are, so I hit up my usual destinations — and a few timely events — with a bit more forwardness than usual. I learned that context is everything: Approaching a woman at the bookstore, for instance, is vastly different from approaching a woman at your best friend’s wedding. Each destination has its charms, caveats, and strategies for meeting... but which places are most likely to yield dating success? After seven straight days of this, I know the answer and am ready to share it. Monday: Hitting the gymFor all the time I spend working out (three to four times a week), meeting a woman at the gym should come easily—where else can I show off my muscles? And yet, despite all my flexing and smiling, it had never happened. I blame iPods and the de facto segregation of the sexes, whereby men lift weights and women take exercise classes. For the sake of improving my chances of finding unplugged-in women, I decided to attend my first-ever Nia class (a combination of stretching, dance, and yoga). I spotted a cute young lady outside one of the classrooms and asked her whether she was taking the class. She responded that she was waiting for her mother to finish exercising. I contend that the girl was at least 18, but “waiting for my mom” is not an invitation to continue flirting. Instead, I found another woman who was, in fact, waiting for the class. We chatted for ten minutes about Nia as well as the other gyms in the area. The class itself was exactly what I was hoping for: 20 women and me. As the newcomer, I was introduced by the instructor and greeted by all the other students. An hour of mind, body and soul work can really bring you closer to a room of strangers; afterwards three women separately came up to me to chat. No numbers exchanged, but the opportunity was definitely there. The soreness I felt two days later somewhat dampened my memory of the experience, but if that’s the cost of meeting fit women, so be it.What I learned: Forget bugging a woman about her form on the machines or talking through her headphones—the female-dominated classes are where you can easily make your moves.Tuesday: Trying out a volunteer activityI’m a huge proponent of having fun while doing good for others, so I contacted a volunteer organization about helping out at a basketball clinic being held at a youth center. Even better, I realized, I’d be meeting women who share two of my interests, volunteering and playing ball. Such was obviously the case with the activity leader who emailed me back with the details for the clinic. I arrived in shorts and jersey, as she had suggested, and found myself one of six volunteers — three men, three women — working with 12 teenage boys. Once the drills began, opportunities to talk to the team leader or the other two females — all approximately my age — were limited, though I did chat with one during a water break who, like me, was attending this particular event for the first time. Competitive scrimmages helped build rapport between the volunteers and the kids—as well as with me and the women volunteers. Sweating profusely (the tiny gym was without air conditioning), we volunteers chatted at the end of the session about coming back in the future. I walked the team leader towards the exit, hoping to make plans to hang out prior to the next event two months away, but she stopped in front of the ladies’ room, obviously ready to clean up and get home. Luckily I still have her email address!What I learned: While opportunities to make quick connections or to get a first date lined up are limited, it’s likely that volunteers will see one at future outings if they return, which makes for good long-term relationship-building potential.Wednesday: Heading to Happy HourI hit up a bar and grill at 5 p.m.—just in time for drink specials. The place was empty save for the wait staff and, typically, the male loner sipping beer in the corner. After a fruitless hour of two-for-one melon martinis, I left and found a venue with more of an after-work crowd, albeit one with five-dollar beers. I approached two women and asked them if they worked in the area; they offered up minimalist answers. After a few minutes of polite conversation, I left them to resume their chat. We exchanged smiles — but no numbers — when they walked out. A bored-looking woman seemed to be inviting a distraction from the seven businessmen she was standing with, but again I was rebuffed by clipped responses and interruptions by her co-worker—who obviously didn’t appreciate my infringing on his group. Finally, though, three women sharing a bar table engaged with me when I asked for a female opinion on whether my friend should confront a mutual acquaintance about a potentially unhealthy relationship. They readily offered their advice and conversation smoothly transitioned to other subjects. By this point — about 7:30 p.m. — the bar was full; I’d had about four beers and was finding it easier to approach women, but harder to concentrate on the conversations. I spoke with one other group of women with whom I exchanged contact info and left. Two days later, I emailed to make plans with one of the women I met; we decided — you guessed it — to meet at a bar after work.What I learned: The bar scene is a “meet” market requiring direct approaches and quick judgment. Certainly, after-work bars offer up a variety of women—women out with their co-workers looking to unwind, women out with their boyfriends or on dates, and women looking to meet guys. Within 30 seconds of initiating conversation with a smile and a comment about the bar, I could tell which was which; within another three minutes I could tell whether there was any interest. And by 10 minutes I either had a phone number, email address, or an excuse to move on.Thursday: Hanging out at the dog runHow I envy dog-owners! Not only do they have constant canine companionship, but their pets make for excellent girl-bait. Better still, dog-people connect on sidewalks, in parks and at dog runs with other dog-people, people I definitely wanted to meet. Feeling like only a minor faker, I borrowed a friend’s speckled Dachshund and spent an afternoon walking/pulling him to a nearby park and letting him tear around a popular dog run. Milo, the Dachshund, elicited lots of attention: He’s adorable, and nearly every woman who came near us stopped to coo and pet him. Brief conversations on the street followed easily, though they were too short for me to segue into a proposition for meeting up without the pooch. The dog run presented better opportunities, as dog-owners could release their charges and talk to each other—about their dogs, of course. I had a pleasant exchange with a gorgeous woman after scolding Milo for mounting her Maltese; my embarrassment notwithstanding, Milo's amorous behavior was a perfect excuse to initiate conversation. Unfortunately, she told me she had a boyfriend when I asked for her number. Still, I had a walk back to my friend’s apartment with a surefire babe-magnet at the end of a leash to look forward to, so the rejection didn’t faze me much. It was more of the same for the remainder of my time with Milo — lots of smiles and aww’s — and despite not getting any numbers, I felt great about my prospects for next time… after I’ve adopted my own dog!What I learned: This was a departure from my other experiences meeting women in that they approached me; the hardest part, initiating a conversation, was done for me, allowing me to naturally segue into other topics—like whether she lived nearby and how often she came to the park. With a regular schedule of dog-walking and running into the same women, it would only get easier to chat these girls up.Friday: Stopping by a pal’s partyMy close friend Michael — we’ve been roommates five of the last ten years — went all out to celebrate his 30th birthday, renting out a space, and hiring a DJ and a caterer. We know a lot of the same people, though I hadn’t seen many of our common friends who were at the party in years; others I had never spent much time with. I took his birthday as an opportunity to get to know his female friends better. Introductions were breezily easy; I could always count on a mutual acquaintance to get us talking together. I discovered I had a lot in common with these women—they are Michael’s friends, after all, and share some of the same traits I like about him. Often, I had to make an effort to extricate myself from each conversation in order to speak with the other girls there. Getting friendly definitely paid off, as I left knowing I’d be in touch with at least three women I very much wanted to see again. I got in touch with one the next day; we recently went out for a second (great) date. As you might guess, I think parties are a perfect way to meet someone.What I learned: A close friend’s party is as excellent an opportunity to meet potential mates as I was likely to find. With all the advantages of a setup but without the awkwardness, built-up expectations or drawn-out conversations — plus the possibility of multiple connections — there’s no excuse for not meeting my friend’s gal pals.Saturday: Celebrating at a weddingThose Wedding Crashers are onto something: Weddings really are terrific places to meet women. I drove four hours to attend the nuptials of my best friend from college, excited by the prospect of a fun time and single women. I looked my best, dressed in a suit. I entered to find a roomful of well-put-together attendees of all ages, all smiling—and at least six approachable women. At the reception, conversations started easily thanks to the common link of the happy couple—just being there vouched for my decentness. I may have gone a bit overboard by kick-starting the dance party when I took my friend’s mom out for a spin, but not only did I elicit smiles from all the women I wanted to talk to, but I was introduced to the cute cousins immediately after the song ended. Approaches were simple from then on, as single women clumped together and were eager to meet dance partners. I could chat up a few standing off to the side or offer to take the picture of a group in between songs. Alas, the reception ended at midnight and local guests — including the two women I was most interested in — went home; I returned to my hotel, where I was sharing a room with a friend. Brunch the next day gave me another opportunity with one of the girls, though—an attractive, intelligent co-worker of the bride. We definitely hit it off, and when she was in my town visiting friends, we met up.What I learned: There were a few drawbacks to meeting women at a wedding — out-of-town guests meant limited opportunities for me to expect second meetings, and lots of the female guests brought dates — but overall, it’s no wonder so many successful couples say they met at a wedding.Sunday: Browsing at a bookstoreA rainy afternoon, I hoped, meant that many single women would have the same idea I did: Time to curl up with a book. The bookstore was indeed bustling when I walked in—dozens of men and women of all ages perusing the aisles for something to read, or camped out poring over a potential purchase. I made a beeline for my favorite section, figuring I'd be most attracted to fellow fiction-readers. Oddly, the literature section was nearly empty; evidently few people linger over books that aren’t in the “New Arrivals” piles near the door. I tried the magazine racks, hoping some woman would grab the same copy of my favorite title just as I was reaching for it, but after 15 minutes of flipping through US Weekly, I knew such serendipity wasn’t forthcoming. Unable to bring myself to interrupt anyone seemingly focused on reading, I found a pair of grad students studying in the bookstore’s café and asked them if the wireless was free. (It wasn’t.) We chatted and realized we knew a couple of people in common before exchanging contact info. Still, if it hadn’t been for the café, I would’ve come up empty.What I learned: Bookstores are pickup places for guys with big cajones—or at least a good line. What you can learn from my week: My success during my week of outings became much less about how many women were present than about how comfortable I felt approaching any one woman or group of women in a given situation. Singling out someone in the middle of a workout or while browsing books could be the way to go for some guys, but I much preferred approaching women at my friends’ wedding and party, where guests expected to meet new people. Ultimately, I had the most success with women I had some connection with—whether we shared acquaintances or a love of volunteering, exercise or dogs. No matter what the context, that kind of connection is what makes for a great pickup opportunity.Matt Schneiderman has written for Stuff and Giant.
Bartenders’ best pickup adviceBy Maggie Kim Few people have such a front-row seat to the dating and mating game as a bartender. Every night, these drink slingers watch would-be studs crash and burn, unlikely couples happily hook up, and more. Thanks to this experience, they’ve compiled a wealth of knowledge on the moves that work—not to mention those that bomb. Here, their best advice. Try this easy opener“I think the easiest way for a guy to start talking to a girl is to get next to her while she’s ordering her own drink and say, “That one’s on me.” Every girl will at least say thank you and if she’s interested, she’ll stick around and start a conversation.”—Gia Favia, Rino, ChicagoStand out with a signature drink“For both guys and girls, the meeting and hooking-up game is all about making an impression. I think finding a signature drink helps you stand out from the pack of gin and tonics and vodka sodas. Women who are sipping a bourbon definitely have a lot more mystique than one with a standard pink drink, just like a guy with a Manhattan seems more interesting than one with a beer. Find the drink that suits your style and personality and have a fun, cute story to go with it. Like ‘I drink Manhattans because my grandfather did.’ Anything that helps you stand out from the pack and start a conversation is a plus.”—Josh Wojcik, Chocolat Michel Cluizel, New YorkStick to the three-minute rule“From what I’ve seen, a woman’s usually made up her mind about a guy in the first three minutes—and I’ve never seen anyone’s mind change after that. So guys should go in for the pickup, but if three minutes go by and she’s not warming up, they should cut their losses and move on.”—David Cerequas, Craftbar, New YorkBe sincere“From what I’ve seen, it’s the Year of the Geeks and Good Guys: It’s not about being suave or sexy, but about being genuine and attentive. Women are tired of being hit on by jerks whose heads swivel every time another pretty girl walks by. Give a woman your undivided attention, and you’ll stand out from the crowd.”—Terril Johnson, Shortstop, Los AngelesLook out for the Lemon Drop“You can definitely spot the girls who are looking for a good time and want to flirt: They usually come in groups and line up at the bar versus at a table to make it easier for guys to talk to them. And if you see them drinking Lemon Drops — a yellowish liquid in a shot glass garnished with a lemon that’s been dipped in sugar — it’s a sure sign that these girls just wanna have fun! It’s replaced the Cosmo as the drink of choice for the Sex and the City-type girls.”—Erica Jobe, Moda, New YorkTry talking about your troubles“There was one guy who got a call on his cell phone about his dog being injured by a car—it felt like every woman in the bar was trying to help him and comfort him. Now, I’m not recommending guys lie and say their pet was hurt, but the lesson here is don’t be afraid to tell a girl about a dilemma or problem you’re struggling with. Women like to help.”—Chris Lower, Gator’s, MinnesotaBe a big spender“Splurge on a nice glass of champagne (think Cristal) and send it over to the woman you’re interested in. This works better than anything I’ve ever seen. It shows a guy’s not cheap and that he’s interested enough in the girl to spend some money on her. It’s smooth, impressive—and works almost every time!”—Joseph Barbour, Body English at the Hard Rock, Las VegasTHINGS EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW About Drinking
There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.
There is a reason for the scarcity of piano bars.
Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.
Never eat the pickled eggs.
Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs.
Actually, never order a frozen drink.
It's also not a bad idea to eschew the pickled pigs' feet,although their presence is fairly strong evidence that you've accidentally stumbled upon a real tavern.
For the sake of the children, leave the pistol at home.
Champagne is a place. Bordeaux is a place. Champaleis not a place.
Grappa is to lighter fluid as ouzo is to lighter fluid.
Garnish matters.
Despite a high ratio of female clientele, an insouciant way with fried mozzarella, and their prevalence in resort towns, establishments where a waitress pours shots into your mouth from a bottle she holsters in a bandolier are fraught with peril.
When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.
Better yet: Hire a bartender.
The perfect manhattan: two parts bourbon, one part sweet vermouth, bitters, and a splash of cherry juice. Over rocks or not.
At the holiday office party, consume one drink less than your boss.
Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.
That sangrÃa means "bloodletting" is more a cautionary note than a simple fact.
Dry martinis, being nothing but gin, aren't all they're cracked up to be.
If you still want a martini, know that you cannot actually bruise gin, so go ahead and shake.
On the other hand, shaking introduces air bubbles that make the martini look cloudy for a time, so stir, already, if you're so particular.
Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.
Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.
Instead of ordering that shot of After Shock to cap off the evening, one could just walk calmly into the street, lie down, and wait.
Alternatively, you could pinch the bouncer's ass.
Hungarian proverb: If three men tell you that you are drunk, lie down.
Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous dalliance.
The perfect negroni: four parts gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Cam-pari shaken with ice and strained. Orange peel.
Citrus cocktails benefit greatly from rubbing lemon peel around the rim of the glass.
Jack Daniel's. Rocks.
There is nothing sadder than a guy who orders beer by the pitcher when he's drinking alone.
Fresh orange juice. Fresh lemon juice. Fresh lime juice.
The perfect margarita: one part fresh lime juice, one part Cointreau, and one and a half parts tequila over ice.
On those chrome, hourglass-shaped bar measuring cups, the big side is the jigger. The little side is the pony. Never use the pony.
If you must: single-malt Scotch in a brandy snifter with a splash of water.
Avoid bars that use plastic cups, bars whose bathrooms consist solely of a trough-style urinal, bars with chicken wire protecting the band, bars where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer.
There is rarely any genuine need to shout "Skål!" "Na zdorovye!" "Sláinte!" "Bottoms up!" or "Down the hatch!"
No one but the bouncer cares how tough you are, and he already knows you're not that tough.
Drinking is not a competitive sport.
A thought for the holidays: Gift wine should not be recognizable as having come from a grocery store.
Gift wine, being a gift,is not for tonight's party. Unless the host opens it.
Decent wine costs fifteen dollars. Good wine costs thirty-five dollars. Nobody can tell the difference.
Never drink in a place that calls itself an eatery.
The cosmopolitan is over.
Rye isn't as popular as it used to be.
The perfect highball: one part rye to three parts ginger ale over ice.
There is no upside to karaoke.
There is an ever-so-slight upside to a wet-T-shirt contest, as long as you're not in it.
It is not necessary to request premium liquor for a mixed drink in which you cannot taste it, such as a gimlet or sour.
On the other hand, ascertain exactly how nonpremium the "well" liquor is before you opt against the good stuff.
Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more requires a table.
Always check your fly before leaving the john.
If you were sitting in the john, make sure your wallet did not fall onto the floor.
Try to take care of the sitting thing at home.
Never utter the words I and love and you if you've had more than three drinks.
If you're a lightweight, make that one drink.
The perfect Shirley Temple: ginger ale over ice to fill a wineglass, splash grenadine, orange slice, lemon twist, cherry.
If a bartender makes you flail your arms or beg for service, well, obviously, leave.
Don't call the bartender Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace, unless his actual name, in fact, is Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace.
Even if you have ascertained your bartender's name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks or, worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money.
The one foolproof hangover cure: Don't get drunk.
Once you've fallen off a stool, there is little you can say to the bartender that will change his mind about asking you to leave.
Also know that there is nothing cheeky and clever you can say to a female bartender that she hasn't already heard from some other schmuck before you.
Don't eat the worm.
If you don't smoke and you're in a bar, don't complain about other people who happen to be smoking, because, virtuous friend, you are in a bar.
Instead of trying to remember whether it's "beer before liquor" or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.
Acceptable drinks for men: beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.
Acceptable drinks for women: whatever they want, except a certain few.
A certain few: the grasshopper, the Long Island iced tea, the pink lady, and any variety of spritzer.
Also unacceptable: drinks whose names mimic critical medical conditions or copulative acts and their secretions.
And while we're on the subject, drinks that are named after supposedly cute body parts, like navels, which are actually disgusting repositories for sebaceous grime: No.
All of that said, never question a woman's drink choice.
If you're the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what's coming to you.
Campari shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass.
Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit.
The perfect martini: There is no such thing as the perfect martini. Make it the way it tastes best to you.
Provided that you remember that there is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
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